


Reflections of the Past are a Window to a New Future

by SweetHeartsAndSweetDreams



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: And for once is doing some self reflection, Bellamy has a lot of feelings, Canon Compliant, F/M, I'll never be over that scene, POV Bellamy Blake, Set after 6x10, So here's something I needed to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-07 21:57:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19858657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetHeartsAndSweetDreams/pseuds/SweetHeartsAndSweetDreams
Summary: Bellamy's always thinking about Clarke, it's always been that way.OR Bellamy reflects on his relationship with Clarke after the events of 6x10





	Reflections of the Past are a Window to a New Future

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all! It's been awhile, but 6x10 revived me along with Clarke, so here's a new fic! Enjoy!
> 
> (full warning this has not been beta'd and I started writing it late last night)

Bellamy’s mind is muddled. He supposes it’s funny, that he’s complaining about the mess going on in his head when they just saved Clarke from literally having two people inside her own.

It’s just…he can’t stop thinking about her.

Bellamy knows this shouldn’t be a foreign concept to him, she’s always on his mind in some way.

When they first landed on the ground it was because he had to figure out a way to get Clarke off his back. That, shifted into a begrudging partnership that ensured he’d always be having to look to her when it came to decisions about the camp; they weren’t his alone to make anymore. After the war with the grounders, he thought she, along with the rest of the 100, had been captured and or killed by the grounders. Then, suddenly, she was a ball of sunshine being flung into his arms. A light he hadn’t known he wanted, let alone needed. Once their friendship was solidified she was always lurking around in the corners of his thoughts; how she was doing, had she eaten enough that day, was she taking care of herself.

He knows Camp Jaha is where he began to discover the depths at which he cared for Clarke. Something that was so startling, which also kept him grounded. His whole life he had been looking after Octavia and now he finally had someone who could help take care of him. He finally had his person.

Bellamy only thought of her more once she left. There was a constant knot in the pit of his stomach that would tighten itself each time her name was mentioned, or there was storm, or just late at night when he would worry himself sick with the idea that she died out there and he hadn’t done more to try and stop her. Every rustle of leaves over the horizon of Arkadia would send the hairs on his neck standing straight up. Bellamy doesn’t know why he always held onto hope that Clarke would return, he just knew they always found their way back to one other.

The distance between them when she was in Polis was easier to deal with. Bellamy didn’t spend days missing her or wishing he could talk to her. Instead he festered in his anger. He told himself he was glad that she was gone, that she’d chosen the grounders over her own people, over him. The anger consumed every inch of his body until he didn’t have anything left to feel for her. Forgiveness had always been their way however, and Bellamy should’ve known that anger wouldn’t stop him from letting her back in.

Once she had returned for good, her new haircut and clothes a sign that she had no intensions of leaving again, Bellamy was able to breathe once more. They were working together, fighting each day to do better on their quest to save the world…again. However, Bellamy found himself always looking for her. Having her back in his life gave him this new sense of hope (an irony considering the situation he was in, he knows).

Once again Clarke Griffin plagued his thoughts. Her bright eyes were steady and reassuring, her small hands fragile and diligent, and her words were able to pierce even the thickest parts of Bellamy’s brain. The head and the heart were connected once again.

But they were broken up again too soon. Just like the glass on Clarke’s hazmat suit, like the coms system on the ring, and just like Bellamy’s heart as he looked down at a singed planet he left his best friend to burn on.

Those six years is where he thought of her most. What she would’ve done with all her free time on the ring or how she would’ve began to age from the teenager she once was. Most of all he wondered how different he would’ve been if he would’ve had her. Bellamy still wonders where they would be if she’d made it. Sometimes he fears that Clarke would have had no need for him once the fighting was over, but somewhere deep down he knows that even in the most peaceful of times, they want to be standing side by side.

Finally getting his feet on the ground again was a whirlwind. Bellamy got his person back and somehow she was so different and all together the woman he remembered. She’d raised a child and survived on her own for six years, yet he was still able to see the bitting eighteen year old he’d left behind. Finding their balance was impossible at first, it always seemed they were pulling each other in different directions. No matter what, though, he still couldn’t get her out of his head. Bellamy had spent so long grieving her and trying to accept that she was gone. He didn’t feel he deserved this kind of miracle, he didn’t deserve to get her back after all he had done.

Getting to Sanctum was agonizing. The betrayal he felt for being left behind by Clarke was palpable. In some way he understood her anger. He once was the same way with Octavia. What he had trouble understanding for a long time was how she could leave him behind to die so easily, especially after everything they’d gone through together. Bellamy spent years agonizing over leaving her behind to die, yet she was able to leave without so much as a glance back. The anger for her had returned once more, except this time he felt the pain with it.

Madi of course tilted his world on its axis with the confession of her calls. Six years…SIX YEARS and she spoke to him every day. It helped her decision sting less, the realization that perhaps he meant just as much to her as she did to him. One of Bellamy’s last thoughts before drifting off into cryo sleep was the knowledge that they’d have time to fix what six years had done to them.

Sanctum gave them a fresh start. Standing over a new world with Clarke felt right. His person at his side as tears for their lost friends cascaded down their cheeks.

He thought they had time, but Sanctum moved fast. The red sun almost made him kill her and later, she told him just what he meant to her. They were family and he couldn’t get that out of his head. However, before he had a chance to fully process the information they found out who the Primes really were and with that came the realization that Clarke had been killed to bring back someone who had already lived more than ten lifetimes.

His grief had consumed him, worse than it had the first time. Coming back to earth to find her had been a miracle, losing her a second time nearly destroyed him. Bellamy had been ready to burn Sanctum to the ground along with their supposed “gods”. Body snatchers who were going to get what they deserved for brainwashing people into believing they were deities instead of the liars they were.

Even once the deal had been made for the people, all he could think of was those lonely last moments of her life. How it must have felt to get the life drained from her with the knowledge that someone else would be wearing her skin.

After that, it was about saving Clarke. From the moment he realized she was still there until he breathed that first breath back into her lungs, saving her was all that mattered. Losing her a third time was not an option. His desperation had gotten the better of him, voicing everything he’d been holding back for so many years. A myriad of confessions that should have been told to her a long time ago came flooding out as he begged his best friend to come back to him.

Now, as he stares at her sleeping form in the bed beside him, he knows he loves her. Bellamy has always known. The issue was, there was always another war to fight, another mountain to conquer before he could allow himself the luxury of getting to express his emotions. After Praimfaya he realized there may never be time, the moments you have are the only moments you’re guaranteed. He’s never going to allow himself to that for granted again.

The steady rise and fall of Clarke’s chest is a reassurance to him. She survived. Bellamy can’t stop thinking about those final moments. His hands willing her heart to beat and his lips connected with her own and he breathed for both of them.

The storm has passed and all he can think about is the feeling of her lips on his, of the impossible way she gripped at his shoulders for dear life. He’d never been so relieved and god, he never wanted to let her go again, never wanted to stop touching her.

He’s know’s love has been the only word to describe his feelings towards her for a long time. Even under all the anger and grief, there was always love. Bellamy wants to love her unconditionally and openly, the way he’s always dreamed of. Bellamy knows its not as simple as that, there are other people’s feelings to be considered, and the matter her having to reciprocate his desires. Regardless of whether or not the feeling is mutual, he knows their love for one other is real. They are each other’s person and he swears once she wakes up he’s going to tell her all the things he screamed when he was begging her to come back to him.

For now though, he’s content with just sitting at her side, hand clasped tightly in her own, as she gets some much deserved sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Would you guys be interested in a second chapter? I kind of want to do one after she wakes up and they get some alone time together. Let me know :)


End file.
